Summary: Bill meets his doom at the hands of a reanimated mummy. Written as a gift to tsukkomi_boke.
Characters/Pairings: Bill, Charlie, mentions of an OC
Rating/Warnings: G, none
Word Count: 841
Can the Order post to Tumblr?: No thanks.
The last time I'd had a reanimated mummy on my back, I'd simply escaped the tomb and sealed that sucker back in there without me. This time, I wasn't going to be so lucky.
Once again, my partner Ardal Lambent had felt the need to read aloud from the hieroglyphs painted on the walls of the pyramid, even though he was well aware that they often acted as curses for those foolish enough to speak them. Sure enough, once he'd hit that magic word (literally, in this case), the walls gleamed a demonic red, and we heard the creaking of the opening of coffins, unleashing the mummified corpses within.
"Lambent, you fool," I cried, drawing my wand with a flourish. "Get back! And I'll handle these fiends."
Mummies don't make any sounds as they creep along the dark corridors of the ancient tombs, but I could feel them coming just the same. There was an aura of death all around me, suffocating me with the heaviness of decay. Ardal and I rushed away in the opposite direction, casting light from our wands to see our way to the exit.
I would have stayed, of course, to vanquish our foes, but it's well known that no sane wizard wants to be face to face with a mummy. The smell, for one, is overpowering. I knew a guy who'd been to hospital just for being exposed to the stench. And there aren't a lot of spells that work on the dead.
As we ran, the corridors twisted and turned before us, offering a multitude of pathways through the gloom. I tried my best to remember which way we had come in, because one wrong turn would have stranded us inside the tomb forever. In front of me, Ardal gave a sudden shout, and I felt my heart sinking through my stomach just seconds after, as I saw what he had just seen: the steep, inescapable wall before us.
I turned around, to find my way back to safe passage, but it was too late: the mummy was upon us. It crept awkwardly down the corridor, shuffling and groaning, with its stiff, wrapped arms outstretched toward me. I lifted my wand. "Reducto!" But the spell only bounced off the centuries-old chest. Damn those Egyptian wizards; their curses were notoriously difficult to break, and their mummies were even worse.
As the rotting odor of death cascaded upon my nostrils, I slowly backed up, towards the wall behind me, where I would surely suffer a painful death beside my colleague at the hands of a sinister monster, which shuffled closer and closer and began to seal my doom –
"All right, enough!" Charlie was laughing hysterically at this point, and Bill cut off his story mid-sentence to glare at his brother. "Please, Bill, do not go on, I beg you."
"What, exactly, is so amusing about my near-death experience?" Bill demanded, though he could not help but grin.
"You are the most overdramatic buffoon I've had the misfortune of hearing stories from," Charlie responded.
"You don't believe I was cornered by a disgusting mummy in an old tomb?"
"I don't believe it 'sealed your doom,' you prat. You're standing right here telling me the story! Clearly, you can't have died, or those Egyptian wizards are better at preserving bodies than I ever imagined."
"Oh, piss off," Bill replied, good-naturedly. "It was a fantastic story, if you'd pull your head out of your arse long enough to listen properly. That story's won the heart of many a fine lady, I'll have you know."
That just set Charlie off into a fresh round of guffaws. "Oh, it gets worse. Think of my heart, won't you? I'll laugh myself into a coma any second now." He paused, laughing too hard to continue speaking. "You're a real piece of work. When's the last time any girl wanted to hear about rotting mummies?"
"As a matter of fact, there's a gorgeous young blonde down at Gringotts who loved that story," said Bill, sounding a little miffed.
"I'll tell you what girls want to hear about," Charlie said, puffing his chest out.
"Dragons," Bill said, in unison with his brother, though only he was rolling his eyes as he did so. "What's so exciting about dragons, anyway? Everyone's seen a dragon at this point."
"I beg to differ," Charlie said sharply. "With all these secrecy laws and the reserves being so secluded, nobody's seen a dragon in ages. And I've got a dozen stories of my 'doom' at the hands of 'em. Or claws, more like."
"Prove that to me, dear brother," Bill said, with a wide grin, as he leaned in close. "Excite me with a thrilling tale of your exploits, and perhaps – only perhaps – I'll give you the game."
"No problem." Charlie settled back in his seat and tucked his hands behind his head. "I'd gone out to feed the dragons one Saturday morning, and nearly ended up losing my head. Literally. See, Brunhilda was in quite the mood that day...."