Summary: Snape reminisces over the loss of Lily.
Characters/Pairings: Severus Snape / Lily Evans-Potter with Dumbledore as a minor character
Genre: Angsty I guess
Rating/Warnings: Sadness, death.
Word Count: 1170
Can the Order post to Tumblr?: Yes
If yes, your Tumblr username: slythertrin
"I can't believe she's been gone this long" Snape said, taking the glass of mead Dumbledore offered with a murmured thanks. This couldn't be happening - not to him. He had dealt with her relationship to that toerag James Potter while they were in school. He had worn a smile when he congratulated her on her marriage to said toerag. For Merlin's sake, he had even offered a hearty congratulations to the pair of them when their son was born. The boy that should have been his son. If only things had been different - if only he had said what was in his heart instead of letting her slip away.
"Voldemort has paid for his sins" Dumbledore said quietly. "The boy has killed him"
"And what solace does that bring me Albus?" Snape snapped. "It does not bring her back"
Inclining his head and steeling his fingers together, Dumbeldore peered at him over the top of his half-moon spectacles. "What solace would you have had she not been murdered tonight? She would still be the wife of James Potter".
Severus jerked back as though he had been slapped. Albus had made a valid point, but that didn't mean he had to like it. "At least she would be alive. She would not have perished if not for me"
"If not for the information you passed Voldemort you mean"
"No!" Snape shouted the word, his fingers curling on the stem of his glass until he thought it would break. "I should have done something all those years ago. I should have told her-" now the tears started flowing freely down his face once more, "I should have made her see"
"I don't understand Severus, made her see what precisely?"
"That I was in love with her"
"I'm afraid I still don't understand"
"We would have been perfect for each other" Severus began, frowning down into his drink. "I first met Lily when we were just children..."
Although Dumbledore was aware of this, he merely settled back with his own drink, gesturing for Severus to continue.
"She was upset because her sister was frightened of what she could do - of what she was" he amended, "And also I think a little jealous that she was not the same. I happened to come upon them the day they had their worst fight - and although I was ridiculed by her sister and accused of spying on them" a ghost of a smile appeared on his face, "I would take that and worst for that was the beginning of Lily and I".
Severus took a deep breath, using the moment to relive past memories, to collect his thoughts before he continued.
"We were inseparable that summer - we even managed to meet up when we did our school shopping. The first train ride to Hogwarts we sat together - imagining what it would be like when we were free to be ourselves. Laughing over all of the things we would do together. We never dreamed we would be separated by house. It hurt" he said after a moment, "When we weren't sorted into the same houses - when we weren't together all the time anymore. But even then we managed. Even given the obvious feud between our houses, we managed to maintain what was precious to us".
"I don't know when I fell in love with her - or why" he murmured. "Maybe it was her hand at potions, or the way her eyes would light up every time she learned a new spell. Perhaps it was the fiery red hair, or her ability to see the good in someone like me. Until I went and messed it all up".
Severus finished his drink in one large gulp, thankful when Albus refilled it without question.
"And how did you mess it all up as you put it?" Dumbledore asked, knowing Severus needed to get it all out in the open once and for all.
"I said something I never should have said" Severus admitted. "I called the love of my life a mudblood". Even now, the memory made him flinch. "I was angry" not at her, he was quick to clarify, "But because of an injustice suffered by me once again at the hands of James Potter and his gang of hoodlums. After -" he had to take a moment to get his emotions under control. "After that she wanted nothing to do with me. I slept out in front of the Fat Lady that same night, in hopes to make it up to her - I made it worse" now a smile did cross his face, but it was cold, bitter. "Potter had already gotten to her. From then on, it was all about him. Even when we managed to salvage a small part of our former friendship, he was still everything in her eyes. No matter what I said, what proof I gave her - she couldn't be swayed. James Potter had her completely under his spell"
"A love potion perhaps?"
"I thought so" Severus admitted, "At first - but then I realized. He did everything I never thought to do until it was too late. He conjured her up flowers. He took her for long walks at sunset. Wrote her poetry - told her" his face moved to a scowl, "All the things I wanted to, but never got the chance to".
Unable to stop himself, Severus fisted the hand that was settled on his leg, the knuckles turning white before he was able to get himself under enough control to loosen them.
"I loved her Albus" he said, his eyes boring into that of the man who had become his most trusted friend. "I loved her. I would have made her happy. We would have had children. And instead - " the tears began their silent trek down his face once more, "Instead I not only failed her - I killed her - I almost killed her son as well".
"He has her eyes Severus" Albus spoke quietly.
"A lot of good that does me" Severus snapped. "He will be a constant reminder of what could have been mine had I not been so stupid - and so selfish. Why didn't I THINK before I told the Dark Lord what I knew? Why didn't I consider how he may interpret it? If I had - she would still be alive. And I may still have had a chance to win her heart".
Albus leaned back in his chair. He wouldn't point would the fact that nothing Severus could have done would have swayed Lily's heart, as he was sure he could have. Not in the way he was hoping for - no Lily Potter was fully devoted to her husband and son. But perhaps.. just maybe.. their friendship could have recovered. And that would have been something. Instead, he reached forward, laying a hand over Severus' and said, so softly, it may have been missed, "The past tense of regret Severus, is indecision"
Severus looked up, his tears blurring his vision. "You're telling me Albus"